The warning signs were there, but I didn’t notice them until it was to late and by then there was no stopping it in its tracks, I had to watch the destruction the Anxiety Tornado left in its wake.
My Anxiety became to much to handle, it reached new heights and I had no idea how to get it back under control. I felt as though I had a permanent block of ice in my chest and my heart was constantly racing.
I’m left feeling exhausted and embarrassed, I have no idea how I am supposed to get back on track this time, I don’t know how I am supposed to recover from it. Everything became really difficult, it felt like walking under water and my tolerance for people shrunk. I shut down my blogs, I deleted a lot of people off of my social media accounts, and I avoided people where possible. I needed a break from people.
………… and I broke.
It all became to much!
Life is hard, really hard and I began to doubt I had the strength to survive it. At times I reach a point where I don’t want to be here anymore, I get tired of fighting day in and day out, I get tired of the effort I have to put in only to pay for it afterwards in pain and exhaustion.
The emotional noise can be hell to live with, especially when I am not feeling 100%. I have to put in a huge amount of effort for anything social, to make small talk and to make connections with people. Sometimes I can cope with it, but there are periods of time when I can’t and I shutdown or I just can’t talk.
This may be really awful of me to say, but there is one person on the school run that instantly zaps my energy, I find her really hard work. To be fair, I am probably hard work also. The emotional noise I pick up from her is negative energy, I can instantly tell when she is lying. Not only that, I know she gossips, I have heard her do it about other people and I overheard her talking about me. So making small talk is difficult, I feel like I constantly have to be on my guard and careful about what I say, its hard work and draining. Her and a couple of others seem to like to cause drama between people just to see what happens. Its just the way they are, and I can accept that, but I just find it really difficult to deal with and at times when everything else has become to much and I am struggling, I have to take a break from them. Is that bad?
There are just some people who simply take away your energy, then there are others who top it up. My best friend for instance has a calming energy and she is the kindest person I know. If I have misunderstood something or said something wrong she will tell me and knows it isn’t meant personally, I can be myself around her, but then we have been friends since we were tiny.
Some people I can hold a conversation with without to much difficulty, others not so much, and then there are the ones that it can be like getting blood from a stone. I just don’t know how to talk to them and it can be easier not too.
I know it possibly sounds childish, but it is something I have always found difficult, along with eye contact and compliments.
I used to think that I didn’t understand people, but now I wonder if the opposite is true, that I understand them to well but I don’t know how to deal with that information about them or how to respond to it.
The thoughts of suicide can be extremely strong, it takes a lot of strength to not act on them and to ride out the storm. I seem to have managed it again this time.